For years after leaving a toxic relationship, I carried a heavy weight: the constant, unrelenting voice in my head that said, “You should have left sooner.”
I replayed every moment, every red flag, every betrayal. I would tell myself, “You should have seen it coming.” “You should have walked away after the first affair.” “How could you stay for so long?”
That voice wasn’t accountability—it was shame. And for a long time, I didn’t realize the difference.
Accountability is about owning your choices and learning from them. Shame is about punishing yourself for those choices. I was so focused on what I should have done differently that I couldn’t see the strength it took to finally leave, to rebuild, and to grow from the experience.
What I’ve come to realize is this: staying as long as I did wasn’t because I was weak or blind. It was because I believed in love. I believed in trying to make things work—for my partner, for my kids, for the family we had built. And while it’s easy to look back now and see all the moments where I could have chosen differently, I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.
That doesn’t mean I don’t take responsibility for staying. I do. But taking responsibility doesn’t mean beating myself up for it. It means asking myself, “What can I learn from this? How can I use this experience to grow, to make better choices, to show up for myself in the future?”
The truth is, accountability without shame is an act of self-love. It’s looking at your past and saying, “Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I stayed longer than I should have. But those choices don’t define my worth—they shape my growth.”
Today, I try to meet myself with compassion instead of criticism. When that voice of blame creeps in, I remind myself of the lessons I’ve learned:
- I’ve learned to trust my instincts and honor my boundaries.
- I’ve learned that love should never come at the expense of my self-respect.
- I’ve learned that it’s never too late to choose yourself, to leave, to rebuild.
And most importantly, I’ve learned that the past isn’t something to punish myself for—it’s something to grow from.
If you’re carrying the weight of shame for choices you’ve made, I want you to know this: You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. And now, you have the opportunity to take what you’ve learned and create something better.
Accountability isn’t about looking back with regret—it’s about looking forward with intention.
What about you? Have you struggled with blaming yourself for the choices you’ve made? How have you learned to move past it? Let’s talk about it in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.